im drinking this country out of the recession.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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