Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
