Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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