I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
