i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
