I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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