Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
