she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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