Screwed.edu
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
