You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
