Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
