Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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