somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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