I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
