Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
