You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
