im having a threesome with these popsicles
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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