Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
