There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
