I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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