I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
