Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize