you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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