Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
