im drinking this country out of the recession.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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