My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
