well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
