So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.