I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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