You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Green mimosas i think yes
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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