Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
