i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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