people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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