I wanna passion pit in your ass
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
