The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
