If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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