Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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