Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
