He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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