Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
