Non-Jews are for practice
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
