frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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