The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
