I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
