So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
