Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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