Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
