Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
