birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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