I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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