you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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