I think I won the penis lottery.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we're making bets on your personal life
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
