He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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