oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Operation Purity has been aborted
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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